Evolution

Why do humans exist? Was it a result of evolution, emerging over many years, or by the design of a higher power? This age-old question baffles both religious scholars and scientists. Early humans had to survive in harsh conditions without a way to communicate verbally. Somehow, they managed to survive for two million years, which seems impossible. According to archaeologists, information on early humans, as they saw it, suggests that they stood about four feet tall and had a brain roughly the size of an average bird. Scientists have discovered fossils and artifacts that look like stone tools, skull fragments, and bones. They use them to reconstruct early human life, showing their tools and the settlements they built, or so they claim.

“Professor, this looks like a chicken bone. Professor, how do we arrive at two million years?”

“Well, you know it has been at least twenty thousand years, right?”

“Yes, I suppose so, although archaeological evidence suggests details of human life, like diet and hunting practices, are only thought to have started about 200,000 to 100,000 years ago. But twenty thousand isn’t two million.”

“You ask a lot of silly questions. Listen, how many toes do you have? How many fingers? In this field, you need to do a little math. Maybe a remedial course would be good for you.”

Early man

Early humans didn’t eat much of the leftover, bad-tasting meat that scavengers left behind. It might have eased their hunger for a moment, but they often got sick and threw it up, so it didn’t really help. Picture this: they’d take a bite out of a rancid chunk, only to gag as the putrid stench of rot hit them. The squelchy texture was enough to turn even their hardened stomachs. They tried to avoid eating animals they hadn’t killed themselves, according to archaeological evidence. They also stayed away from bears. They might not have been geniuses, but they were smart enough to spot a bear, hear it, maybe get attacked once, and then learn to run away the next time they heard one.

No, a man would find a deer or a buffalo and not be able to say anything usable about it. One woman could whistle, but that didn’t help at all. He would pantomime it for the small clan. He’d pantomime having a horn on his head, a spear, throwing and stabbing, lying down with his legs pointed straight up, acting like cutting up a deer, cooking, and eating it. It was the start of charades. Then the males would hunt it down after dancing around, making a horned pantomime, pointing in the direction of the prey. Sometimes they would do a little dance that became all the rage later. It was a part of a ritual that would keep them from becoming the prey.

He’d then make another eating scene. It was pantomime, of course. The clans didn’t know how to do anything else. One of the males stood up and made an eating pantomime, pointed at the women, and shrugged. Since they had no language, the women invented the middle finger sign while covering their crotches. The other males, seeing this, then beat him up.

Back to today

The Professor went over the hill to the dig he had started. Then, he yelled for the intern. He was nearly screaming for the intern to come to him. The intern thought the Professor had hurt himself. When he got there, the Professor was holding a rock. The Professor was so excitable, he couldn’t stand still.” Look at what I found. It was just lying there. I don’t know how it surfaced, but do you know what this means!”

The intern said, “You found a rock. Plenty of them around here. It’s about all you have around here.”

“No. I have a skull! I have seen one that looks like this. Maybe it’s a missing link. Look here. He pointed to very shallow indents where the eyes were. The intern thinks the guy must have been cross-eyed. Next, the crack was claimed to be a mouth. Ears have a slightly different shape and size. Eyes in the back of the head. It will see a big cat about to attack, but not the cliff he couldn’t see. Different actions get the same result.

“Professor, it’s just a rock. You only want it to be a skull, that’s all. If it were a skull, it would be hollow. Man, this is just a rock.”

“Yes, I see that now. It still looks like a skull.”

“Professor. Let’s get you some water and some shade and a good nap.”

“Will that make this a skull?”

“Who knows?”

Back in the past.

Big Brute's father waved him to the front of the cave. He pointed his right arm out and pointed at Big Brute. Then he pantomimed walking away and pointed to Big Brute, pointing out the front of the cave and wiggling his fingers up and down. He again pointed out the cave opening, pointed at Big Brute, and pantomimed going and coming back. He then shook his head no. He danced, grunting to the beat of a man pounding two rocks together. It was one of the earliest rock bands.

Big Brute formed his own clan. He was called Big Brute for a reason. The reason was that he made everyone afraid. He said he was the leader of the clan and that was that. His last gesture had sealed the deal.

The clan was moving to a new cave. Big Brute had found a new cave. Another clan was already there, but Big Brute and the boys ran them off. The Big Brutes, as they were known, threw spears, rocks and tree limbs at them. The other clan, called Smartypants, could speak. With a language, they didn’t have to pantomime. They knew how to understand it, though.

The Smartypants then decided their cave was located in the wrong place. They decided it was time to move along anyway. They felt blessed they didn’t have to leave a woman behind, as was the usual case. Big Brute didn’t think of it until later, so he hit Sissy Boy in the head. Big Brute figured he’d get over it, or not. He didn’t become the leader by caring about how others felt.

Sometimes a man or woman would leave the cave very quickly. After a minute or so, an awful smell would hit them. They’d looked at each other, gagging and then figured out what the smell was. Time to move. It took a while to figure out what was upwind and what was downwind. The farts didn’t need wind. But had the same smell.

The leader would point downwind while holding his nose and making a funny face. No one laughed, knowing he would take it the wrong way. He had a certain feel about things. That meant everyone had to have the same feelings.

Brute finished eating the chicken bone and threw the bone out for the animals. They would grab it and either gnaw on it or bury it.