The Lonesome Cowboy---Damsel in distress? The first time that happened was April 4, 1870. A cowboy, riding to find a job, spotted a damsel on a runaway buggy. He immediately galloped to the rescue. He managed to catch up to the carriage and leap on. He immediately fell and was run over by the buggy, which then went over a cliff.

Goodtime Charlie's Got The Blues--- Charlie started out the way all Blues singers did. He played at rat holes and dives. He was paid very little. He barely made enough to keep fed and have some kind of room to sleep in. As time went on and he matured with the Blues, he’d got better paying gigs. He was very good in those days

The Toby Tyler Band--- Toby headed for the bathroom hoping no one was lying on the floor there or, if they were, that they weren’t dead. If they were dead, he hoped they didn’t block the stalls or smell too gamy. Toby was in no mood for the police and their questions. Questions like, “Do you understand your rights?” Understand his rights? Toby was way past understanding anything.

Dickie Bird--- I hated going to the Military Police with no clue as to why I was going there. I always had the general idea we’d did something wrong. I was pretty quick on my feet but it was always useful to know what they had on me. The old man came home right at four, scowled and pointed his thumb at the car. He always thought we were guilty, no matter what. That was reasonable but not fair. He didnt speak to us or anything like that. He never said anything to us. If we upset him he would say to Mom, “You better do something about those boys.” He was more worried about this than we were.

Like A Big Monkey On A Toilet--- That would do the trick. He wouldn’t be able to explain it but, as an ape, he didn’t have to. It would just be one of those mysteries in life. Nothing seemed to embarrass humans either. They’d wear clothes to cover up and then wear them in a way to show as much as possible and still be dressed. That made no sense to Ivan.

Live Bear --- Sheriff Ray came across and asked Bennett what he was doing with a live bear and how he caught it. ” I was walking around up on the mountain .I wasn’t huntin’ neither. He seemed ta be huntin’ me. I was only defendin’ myself. Man gotta right to do that, don’t he? This ole bear rears up and roars at me. No one and nothing roars at me and me stand there and take it. Know what I mean?So, I punched it a good one.”

Evolution---

“Of course it isn’t. But let’s think it through together,” the professor said, pausing thoughtfully. "If you multiply twenty thousand by ten, you get two hundred thousand. It's a simple calculation, but it’s okay to ask for clarification. Understanding these concepts is important, and I'm here to help you with them.”

“You ask a lot of silly questions. Listen, how many toes do you have? How many fingers? In this field, you need to do a little math. Maybe a remedial course would be good for you.”

The Hell’s Angels Come To Town --- The Chief wanted to talk to the leader of this pack of half-civilized animals. He couldn’t see anything that set one guy off from the rest except for the one drinking coke instead of snorting it. Oh, that has to be the leader. No one else in this crowd would have the balls to do that. The Chief carefully made his way over to that guy, being careful not to bump anyone. Never know what might jump off one of them. They probably are immune to most things but the Chief wasn’t.

Mumbo Jumbo Gumbo --- He glanced around the kitchen at what he had and decided to start with the deer he’d found a couple of days before. The deer didn’t look like it had been hurt and it didn’t look like it had starved to death. Mumbo Jumbo didn’t have any idea how the deer died and he didn’t much care, either. That deer was pretty ripe.

Not Even Close To Heaven--- He put his trailer not up against the mountain. Instead, he put it straight on stilts. He was a couple of hundred feet up and was using braces. to hold the trailer in place. I could see the waste pipe coming straight down. It was stopped about halfway down. I also thought it must stink pretty bad. In the summer. It would have to be a bitch. Then again, maybe they got used to it. I wanted to pull over and take a picture of it. My wife advised against it, “You don’t actually know what this place is or how they'd react to it.”

God Gets Bored --- “Oh, go to Hell.” Then God realized he hadn’t created a Hell. Satan made fun of him, saying he had no power over anything. He did put on a good show.

Who's Fooling Who ?--- The Secretary of State and the Secretary of Defense are supposed to advise the President on foreign matters. The truth is that neither one has any influence whatsoever with any President. The National Security Advisor has all the power. The only one the Advisor fears is the Director of the CIA since that’s where all the information comes from in the first place and might well kill you if you question them about anything.

Manson Gets A Roomie--- He said, “Some people think I’m the Devil”
“So I hear. But I hear a lot of crazy stuff.”
“Crazy stuff? That’s one way of putting it. There might be a better way of putting it.”

Lancelot--- It got so boring that she began changing the story. The other nuns started applauding. The Mother Superior stopped the nightly confession. She was afraid the other nuns would have dreams, dreams they shouldn't have. She found herself watching the living quarters to make sure everyone was where they were supposed to be. This was a convent. Guinevere had good dreams herself. Lancelot was in them but Arthur wasn't. After just a little time the Mother Superior started taking long naps.

Freddy Goes Off---

You what? You quit school? I paid good money for your education. You quit?” John suddenly wanted to take a piss, maybe on Freddie. He had plans for Freddie and this wasn’t one of them. Freddie had always done well in school, so why did he quit? Then, he realized he should ask Freddie instead of wondering about it

My Grandpap Was A Genius--- ---Down the stairs I went. It was getting painful. I peeked into the living room but no doors. That left the kitchen. Nope, no bathroom there! What is this? I needed to go. If I only needed to pee, it would have been no problem; a guy can pee anywhere. What I needed was a toilet, and I couldn’t find one. I had no choice but to ask.

The Wateringhole-- The creature everyone liked was the monkey. The monkey didn’t always drink from the hole. He was a tree creature and had other sources of water. He was loved for his good nature and sense of humor. He made the other animals laugh. Even the lion. Even the rhino, who hated to laugh. There was a time the monkeys were run off when they came to the hole. Then their bigger cousins, the apes, came down and straightened everyone out.

The Gunfight-- Trouble had been brewing for some time between Big Frank and the Kid. It started with the horse that wouldn’t break. The horse wouldn’t break, but he would break bones and kick the Hell out of anyone who tried.

Harry Hobo--- Harry went down an alley to avoid Jimmy. Got to a street, made a turn, made a few more turns, ran down another alley and came out on the street right where he started. Jimmy was standing there waiting for him. No matter which way Henry went Jimmy would be waiting for him.

Hippity Hoppity--- Two Wyatt Earp types said they do it and strutted over to the two dogs. Dogs don’t have what humans call creative powers. They can’t imagine. They can, however, leap for the soft underbelly. The first dog, Hey Dawg, hit a little low and removed his treasures. The second dog hit high and removed one of her nipples.

Rodeo Clown--- The clowns stand on one side of the stall. When a horse or bull is released,they were to hang around to lead a horse or bull off or untie a rider all hung up in the rope. Sometimes the horse or bull will spot him and remember him. Then all Hell breaks loose. There’s no training for the clowns. They just get in there and hope for the best.

17 Years Since Confession--- “I robbed a bank once. I got caught so I turned in states' evidence and only served a year. I think those boys I partnered with will be after my ass, I mean butt, as soon as they get out. Helping the cops put them away is a good thing right?”

The Carny-Circus--- The lady with the beard got nowhere in this day and age. With the transgender crap, it was no longer worth paying to see.

Accidental Shot--- “Well, we ain’t hardly hung no one this year. Jus’ that drifter feller what was bangin’ on Miss Davis’ door that time,” one of the townsmen said.
"It were her brother."

Dead Dog Thing--- When I got there, my mom asked me to check him. Check him? To do that, I’d have to touch him. No way. I’d rather check a rattlesnake. Mom wouldn’t settle with me tapping him with my shoe me to check him. She said he was a deep sleeper. I had to do something she thought was enough. Can’t have my mom thinking I was afraid of a tiny little poodle.

Whispering Sam --- No one liked Sam that much so it was no surprise. The surprise was that few people saw a need to tell Sam out of politeness and the fact the he wouldn't hear it. Sam didn't hear just what he wanted to hear but he didn't hear everything you wanted him to hear either.

Hank and Hogs--- He lined the men up a few feet apart and got ready to comb the field. The men were willing enough but weren’t happy about this idea. Hay fields would hide a man lying there as well as a snake lying there. There aren’t too many people who want to walk where snakes live. Certainly none of those kind were here.

The Elephants Take Control of Town --- The elephants didn’t understand Spanish and it didn’t mean a thing. They proceeded to play with car. It was a game with no rules and they were too busy destroying this “whatever it is.” Javier screamed a bunch of Spanish. insults at them. Luckily for him, they didn’t understand Spanish.

Ratty--- Ratty got by with his wits. Not all rats are smart. Some are stupid. They lived in the sewers. They had to hope no one tossed a baby alligator down the toilet. Baby alligators grew to be big alligators with big appetites and only source of food was sewer rats. Still, they persisted in living there. They thought of themselves as brave. All the other rats thought of them as stupid.

Et Tu Brutus--- “He wouldn’t expect it at all. He thinks you’re a suck-ass. He would laugh out loud to think you would try that. He thinks you wouldn’t have the balls to do anything like that. We’re not that sure ourselves. But we are going to give it shot. If you can’t get it done, we’ll have have you killed too. It would be a two for one job.”

How Would You Feel?--- “Sir, I work for the Internal Revenue Service. You need to talk to me with respect. I can erase this file and you’d have to start all over again. You might get it back next Fourth of July. Wait, that’s a holiday. You’d get it back as soon as it was received and processed. Oh, wait. I have a notation. Let’s see. Oh, I see the problem now. It was received buy\t never processed,”the agent said.

Marcie and Men--- “Didn’t you get my note? I left you- oh, wait a minute. Oh, I still have the note in my pocket. I’m not coming home anymore. It’s time for me to move on to bigger things.”

Junk Yard Dog--- They don’t shoot these animals so these must be the dart gun and, Yep, there are the darts. He grabbed a couple of them. He popped the guard off the end of one to see what-ouch!!He the woods surrounding the zoo. He slept for two days. He woke up wet, hungry and dart-less. OK, have to come up with another plan.

CharlieB and the Train--- Charlie B was the kind of guy you didn’t want as a friend but it was easier to keep an eye on him that way. He had no scruples and would steal anything you had. Everyone wanted to kick his ass but only the Puerto Rican kids did. They got away with it by saying, “No comprendo.”

The Bear--- Tim went totally silent. The old saying “don’t ever get between a mama bear and her cub” was nonsense. You shouldn’t be in the same woods as a mama bear and her cub. Bears are sensitive about their cubs. They didn’t scare easily, or at all. Old Tim slowly and carefully looked around just moving his eyes. He hoped his eyes didn’t click when he did.

Motorcycle Man--- The crowd roared as he was introduced. They hollered and screamed. They yelled out and threw things. You’d think this was a rasslin’ match or a hockey game. The crowd was ready to rock. The crowd wanted to see the Duke do the rolling. The crowd was up! The crowd wanted to see blood, preferably the Duke’s.

Ahab and Moby Dick-- Captain Ahab was sitting at his favorite table at Cutthroat Cove. He stretched his leg out to be more comfortable. It was his peg leg, courtesy of Moby Dick. He picked up his grog with his right hand, his good hand, his only hand. Again, courtesy of Moby Dick. He looked around the tavern with his good eye, having lost his other eye when he went to scratch it with his left hand. His left hand was a hook and he popped the eye right out. He blamed that on Moby Dick too, even if it was a little unfair. He sometimes thought Moby Dick was killing him a piece at a time.

Wolf Boy --- He said this looking at a female still nursing. Her response was,"to howl,“No. Hell no.” In the end, she did suckle the thing but not happy about it. When a male wolf came sniffing around she’d bite them.

Old Willie--- The aide on duty that night was passing by and saw him. She asked him if he’d been bit on the face by a bee. He explained why he did to her. She looked at him and went downstairs, probably to make a note in his file. They loved to make notes in your file for whatever reason. Probably to cover their butts in case something happened.

Safari Sam--- Bob would take them through the lush jungle, as the guidebooks always referred to it as. It actually was just overgrown scrub land but for what the client was paying, Bob easily convinced them it was a lush jungle. They either bought that or pretended they did. They didn't want to admit they were suckered.

The Rum Ration Ho Ho Ho The idea of a rum ration came from Christopher Columbus. His men weren’t about to sail off the edge of the ocean. Columbus gave them enough rum that they would not only sail off the edge, they’d try to. That’s how he could stay westward bound long enough to discover the route to India. He didn’t but that’s because he drank rum too.

The Urologist--- When he got to the office, he followed his usual, unbreakable routine. He got coffee and read what letters he felt like reading. He chucked most of them away. He checked his email and voicemail. He then looked through the latest copy of the Urology Journal. He learned a lot from there.He also ignored them.

Shopping With Old People--- They will ask you where something is. “Excuse me, sonny, where’s the bread?” You look at them funny and point behind them. Do you get a thank you? No! You get this; “What are you staring at me for? You wait, you’ll be a senior someday. You just wait.”

The Old Cowpoke--- “It is shit burning. In the olden days, they didn’t always have wood to burn. So, they used buffalo shit for cooking and heating.”

Sistine Chapel--- It wasn’t for Michelangelo to shake. It was for Michelangelo was to him to kiss the ring. Michelangelo never did that. The Pope could kiss his ass before that was going to happen. Julius asked him once why he wouldn’t kiss the ring. “I’m not Catholic.”

Sophisticated--- A sophisticated person has art hanging on the walls. The art is oil paint and the subject matter is open to interpretation. The unsophisticated are more direct. They have Elvis on velvet. No question. The sophisticated have art that will appreciate in value hopefully. The others get five bucks at a yard sale with Elvis on velvet

Man,Cats and Dogs --- Why do cats play with the critters they hunt? Why toy with them instead of just going ahead and killing them? Why? Because cats are inherently evil. Let’s not kid ourselves here. Cats are evil; the Devil’s spawn. If you don’t think so take a good, hard look at one. That’s pure evil and you know it. The Koreans may have the right idea. They eat dogs, too, so I don’t know what it means exactly. Oh, to hell with it.

Gold--- Dennis came out and showed a nugget to Carl and Jimmy. Jimmy and Carl ran into the mine. They found a few loose pieces of gold or pyrite. Now, they got excited. Dennis may have found gold. They knew the owners would find out. They decided to take what they could carry and go far away to sell it.

Bad Blood From A Feud------ To these two, a fair fight was being able to walk home instead of lying in an alley. There was bad blood between them and no one knew why.No one cared why either. No one in the bar would sit to close no matter what. They made sure they where well out off a knife swing.