Man,Cats and Dogs

Man has always had an ambivalent relationship with cats and dogs. On the one hand, he is deathly afraid of mastiffs, pit bulls, lions, and tigers. No question, no argument. On the other hand, he is not afraid of cats or chihuahuas even though he should be, given his history with them.

Man sees the kitty and hates it on sight. It’s a guy thing. He sees the kitty’s owner and she’s a babe. Naturally, he acts as if he loves cats. He reaches down to pet the cat. The cat has no feelings about the man at all. Still, the man suffers twenty scratches before he can get back up. The cat’s owner, the babe, calls the cat naughty, as if the cat cares. The cat drew blood. The cat cares about that.

The man sees the chihuahua. It looks like one of those squeaky toys. Sound like it too. At least this dog is harmless. The man reaches down to pet this dog and comes back up with a chihuahua attached to his hand. He shakes the dog off. Then he feels a pain in his ankle. The dog is chewing away. He lifts his foot to shake the dog off and feels another pain in the other ankle. Chihuahua’s only come in pairs. Sort of a buy, one get one free.

OK, that’s the bad kitties and doggies. There are good ones. The kitty that purrs and rubs against your leg; the dog that brings your slippers to you. The cat that guards the house from rats; the dog that guards the house from burglars. You have never owned one of those but you’ve heard of them. What you’ve heard is a pack of lies. Cats scratch and dogs bite. That’s it.

Your dog pisses on the floor, sleeps on the couch, steals from the table and barks at everything that moves or makes a noise. He won’t do anything if someone breaks in. He’s a watchdog, not a guarddog. He expects the same treatment though.

Your kitty scratches the furniture, scratches the wall, scratches you. It kicks litter all over the floor.

You become a pet owner and soon find out that when a pet gets sick so does your bank account. Why are vets more expensive than people doctors? One vet explained it this way, “Most people don’t bite or scratch their doctor. Most people can tell their doctor what’s wrong even if they are lying to get sympathy or drugs. Most people don’t have to be muzzled.”

Cats, being what they are, hide being sick. The way you find out a cat is sick is by the vomit in your shoe. Try taking a cat to the vet. Try taking a cat anyplace. Then take yourself to the emergency room for stitches.

“What happened to you?”

“I tried to take my cat to the vet.”

“We don’t do psychiatric evaluations here.”

There are cats that have made good pets. No, I’m lying to you. There has never been a cat that made a good pet. At best, cats tolerate you. At worst, remember the emergency room?

Boxers are ugly dogs. They’d be ugly no matter what they were long ago,. They just happen to be dogs. They get all excited when you get home and come running up to you. Nice, huh? Sure, if you like being slobbered on. Nice, if you like having a dog pee on your shoe. Nice, if you like wearing a disguise while walking your dog so your neighbors won’t recognize you.

Cats are arrogant, temperamental, aggravating, spiteful, offish, persnickety, ornery, disobedient, and unloving. No, that’s not their good side. Cats don’t have a good side. Both sides, the middle, the top and bottom, you name it. It’s all bad. Trust me on this one.

At least cats have the saving grace of keeping the place rat-free. That explains why the slums are overridden by cats and rats. The cats like to play with rats. They want to hunt them down and corner them like, , uh,well rats. What they don’t like to do is kill them. Cats only kill what they eat and they don’t eat rats. Guess you have to give them that one. Eat a rat? I’d rather eat the cat and I have since I like Korean food.

Why do cats play with the critters they hunt? Why toy with them instead of just going ahead and killing them? Why? Because cats are inherently evil. Let’s not kid ourselves here. Cats are evil; the Devil’s spawn. If you don’t think so take a good, hard look at one. That’s pure evil and you know it. The Koreans may have the right idea. They eat dogs, too, so I don’t know what it means exactly. Oh, to hell with it.

Dogs are man’s best friend. Sure, why not? The dog does nothing worthwhile. It sleeps, eats, crapsand barks. That’s about it. In return for doing nothing, the dog gets food, shelter and no work. Heck, I’d be a best friend for that kind of deal.

Collies are very popular. They’re good with kids, good with sheep, and very pleasant. A lot of their reputation comes from Lassie, of course. Lassie was smart. Lassie was a star. Lassie had a bunch of movies and several TV shows. Her co-stars didn’t do as well.

June Lockhart did OK, sort of. She was Ronnie Reagan’s wife. She was a star in “Lost In Space”. That lasted two years. Maybe if the stupid robot had been a collie and Dr. Zachary Smith hadn’t brought his cat along.

Some dogs are worth more than others. Picture the bad guy sneaking up on your place. He is armed with a laser-powered nuclear device. All you have is a mastiff. Scratch one bad guy. You won’t even find a fingerprint left of him.

St. Bernards are large, but gentle giant. Lost in an avalanche? Here comes the St. Bernard. He finds you; you give a sigh of relief. He digs you out and is carrying brandy to revive you? No, he sits there watching you freeze to death. Then, he drinks the brandy. Then wits until you freeze. After that, he dogs your body out and carts it back to the Ranger Station.

The Ranger looked at the body and said,” Oh, I see you didn’t make it in time. Too bad. Say, why is the brandy all gone?”

All together man and dogs and cats have had a seesaw relationship. Remember one thing: Dogs are stupid and cats don’t give a rat’s ass.