The Vampire Bar

Vlad was standing at the bar, which he and his brother Bat Boy operated. It was the only bar in the area. There was no arguing between them and no competition. Although there was bloodshed, it was not due to the bar. In Transylvania blood was all about blood—you could see it, smell it, use it to paint artworks and drink it. Count Dracula looked after his people well and all the things people needed were available to them if they wanted them. All they had to do was pay their taxes by offering a pint of blood from time to time.

“Hello, Vlad, what will you have?”

Good evening, Boris. I'd like a double of AB Negative—make it a double. I was at Bran Castle looking through the books with that old man. Wonder what? Bat Boy has messed it up once again. I've told you over and over again to add the balance so that they match. They needn't be real. Wait a minute— isn't Satan here, is he?

“Nah, he and a couple of Demons are going to Notre Dame. The Pope is going to be there. Makes no sense. The Pope visits, but that always turns into a fight. he Pope in Latin and the Bishop in Hebrew. Goofy. Every Pope wants those Gargoyles removed, and no Bishop will do it. The Pope threatens to excommunicate the Bishop. The Bishop tells him he’d take the whole lkt and cobble to the Lutherans. My God. That's the attraction of the place. Being a Cathedral doesn’t cut it anymore.”

“How is y our Dad?

” “Oh, he never changes. He gets cranky all the time. He moans and groans. Can’t shut him up. Then he knows to climb into his coffin. Well, we have to put him there. He got caught by an early dawn a couple of weeks ago. We nearly lost him. He’s getting so senile it ain’t funny.”

The Shadow Knows came in. Well, he was there although no one had seen him come in. He isn’t actually a man or woman, despite rumors. Only God knows what he is. God doesn’t make any claim to him at the Salvation Board. The Gatekeepers want him to go to Hell, but God said no. The Shadow Knows always got a chuckle when that happened. No one could actually make out his image. Either he was only a blur or only came after the drinking. That was well into the night. The people got a full buzz on the good folks here in Bran Castle. The Shadow Knows bothers people during the day. He cast a huge shadow then. He did at night as well, but people only saw what God allowed them to see then.

They know he’s there, but all they get is a shadow. There has to be some sin in that. “I want to remove his name from the roll,” St. Peter said. The vote was tied until Satan blocked it. God blocked him. Satan sent a rainstorm to the Sahara; God sent it to the hot sun. He wanted to move it to Hell. He had the power to do that. Then he remembered that Hell was already dry. He created dull creatures.

The Shadow Knows always got a chuckle when that happened. No one could actually make out this image. Either he was only a blur or only came after the drinking. The people got a full buzz on the good folks here in Dracula City. The Shadow Knows bothers people The Shadow was a friend with the Invisible Man. Deep down, the Invisible Man thought the Shadow Knows saw him as a friend. He’d buy him a shot of Jack Danny. It was quite a show when the booze went down live and in color. It got the women excited.

The Shadow Knows went home to get some sleep. Why he had to sleep was funny to Boris Kar, umm, Frankenstein. The monster was brain-dead. His host had been brain-dead for either a week or a lifetime

He was a dummy and lazy. Why Dr. Frankenstein

“Nem , nem! the doctor yelled. “ I only created him. I’m not him! For the love of God, please believe me.”

Gusztáv Szilárd said, Maybe he’s telling the truth. We don’t want to harm an innocent man.”

Tabor Ödön said, “Are you stupid? He created the monster. He’s responsible for the havoc. We came to kill the monster. I’m not rigid on that part. Killing the Doctor would be fine by me. Hell, maybe better. He’d scream louder.”

“Violence leads to violence,” the Head Elder,István Mihály said.

“Oh, look at who woke up. Evening. Pop you here to stop something, are you? it’s pretty late,” Tabor said.

“Watch that mouth, boy. I’m an elder. I can whisper in the Count’s ear.”

“Yeah, I bet you can.”

Frankenstein saw the little girl. She was as sweet as a kewpie doll. Then a little girl asked him if he wanted to hold her puppy. Frankie didn’t know what that meant. He took the puppy and said, “Mirkell en tennem.” He named her puppy. He gave the puppy back to the little girl, grunted, and walked away. The little girl threw a rock, hitting him in the back of the head. He wasn’t going to take that from Little Miss Riding Hood. Then he saw the torches. That got his attention away from the girl.

He wasn’t smart, but he knew fire. He knew to get away from it. He skedaddled up an alley. He felt at home there. He thought he was safe there. That’s stupid as stupid can be. He finally found the Vampire Bar. He didn’t know where he was, but it seemed cozy. He waited until the villagers were tired, and then sneaked to the steps. He fell on them. There were a lot of them. It took a while for him to hit bottom.

Vlad said to Boris, “I like Boris. Well, you know. I liked him. He said he was misunderstood.”

Boris said, “I thought he couldn’t speak.”

“He can’t”

“Oh, sure”

The guys were having a good time. Then. Lon Chaney Jr came in. The men got nervous. He was also a werewolf. He usually showed up on a full moon. The crowd wasn’t worried. The Count had made up a potion that protected them from the Werewolf. It was called Wolf Away Love Potion Number 9. Still, he made people nervous. The potion only had to fail once.

Suddenly a foul smell hit the room. It smelled like an outhouse after a diarrhea attack from-” Wait! Put the cigars out. Nothing that can burn. King Kong is here. Don’-” The room flashed; the room gave everybody a singed head of hair. It set the liquor on fire. No! The men yelled. They moved quickly to throw water on the fire. They took a few beer breaks. They got the fires out. They knew what the cause was. Kin Kong had come into Bran Castle. He always made a spectacle of himself. Not this time.

The men got a whore to entice him. He was a sucker for a female human. They played him like a child’s yo-yo; a cheap one. The women gave him a real show. She began walking; King Kong took one step at a time. That his step was twenty times farther apart didn’t mean much. No one was going anywhere. He followed he to the edge of the cliff.

Oh, so that’s what this was all about. Kong had fallen for this a few times. He was on to it now. Still, he had a reputation to uphold. He glanced over the edge. Wow, he thought. This is way too high. He knew he had to go down. He was used to going up, not down. One slip and he was done. If he didn’t do it, he was also done. He wouldn’t be able to beat his chest in a declaration of fight. He wished the woman would pound her chest, or, praise be to God, let him pound her chest. Just one. He started down. The people put their hands over their ears. The Kink Kong yell was loud, if it was loud, if anything.

Kong would survive, but had to hide someplace until he healed. Otherwise, some idiot would start pointing at him, making a fuss. Kong wasn’t in the mood for that.

The bar would need some repair. Still, the beer keg wasn’t damaged. They went back. Vlad thought they were a bit too calm. He showed his fang off, and the men pissed their pants.

The Amazon girls came down the street. They could knock the breath out of a man. Even Vlad fell in love with them. They were impossible to bite. They would bite, but it didn’t have the same result. It did have a result, though. Vlad Senior tried to ban them once. He was warned not to. He was warned that the people would revolt. He’d get most; That didn’t count. The Count would be tossed over the cliff and have to become a bat to stay alive. All told, the Bran Castle Resort was a lot of fun and very popular.

As the British said, “Bloody good show. Bloody well done.”